Saturday, April 24, 2010


People who are smart and creative are usually good at planning things in life. They can plan birthday party's, weddings, communions, bar and bat mitzvah's, etc... But can they plan out a safe and effective zombie outbreak mission? Probably not. It's definitely rocket science to some people who usually doubt the fact that zombies will take over the world. That's fine, have fun thinking your minivan is a safe place for your little kiddies. In fact, bring a spatula to defend yourself, zombies hate a good spatulin.

SO! Do you have a plan? If you live in my town of Edison, New Jersey you do. Planning isn't as simple as you think. People watch a lot of zombie films and assume it's all about finding a building that's open to hide in. In some ways they are right but certain buildings have more usage to them than others.

I've created a point system off the top of my head that probably doesn't make any sense at all but whatever, let's give it a go.

The main thing's that are needed when trying to survive are:


Now the point system is rated from 1 - 5 of these things #. Of course 5 being the highest.


Food: #####
Weapons: ##
Medical: #####
Livable: #####
Entertainment: #####
Transportation: ##

The Word
Walmart is a great place all around to be during a zombie outbreak. They have a shit load of food especially if you can make it to one of those super duper Walmarts with the fucking food store inside too. The weapons are limited in the Jersey Walmarts. We do not have guns or anything that is explosive. Were forced to use knives and any lawn or sports items to defend ourselves. Medical is up of course because of the pharmacy and medical goods. Entertainment is key during an outbreak. If you're positive the zombies aren't able to come in, then it's okay to watch Airbud or the Jonas Brothers dvd's. Transportation meaning, 18 wheeler trucks that were left in the shipping area.

Ok So Walmart got a score of 24 our of 30. That's pretty good. If the place doesn't have more than 20 points then it's not worth the risk. If it's 19 points and you're desperate, it's understandable.

Let's try a few more.

Home Depot

Food: ###
Weapons: #####
Livable: ###
Transportation: ###

The Word:
It has a Nathan's in some of the Home Depot's near me so you'll be able to get refreshments, but not for long. You have all the weapons you need minus guns. Nail guns, axes, saws, and just about the most unimaginable ways to slaughter those dead fucks. It's an untraditional blessing in disguise. It's not really livable unless you can build a bed. But they have bathrooms and it is a big place. Transportation because they have trucks there. Unfortunately with 14 points, you're better off just passing by.

OKay, I'll do one more and then you can do this on your own.

Sports Authority:

Food: ##
Weapons: #####
Medical: #
Livable: ####
Entertainment: #####
Transportation: ##

The Word:
The food situation isn't good at all but at least there is some sort of food there. They have all those sports bars and sports drinks there to keep fit and full. The weapons I gave 5 thingy's because if you haven't noticed, Sports Authority has an infinite selection of rifles, shotguns, and hand guns. They also have bows and arrows along with a complete selection of hunting knives. If you want a challenge at killing zombies then you can head on over to the hockey, baseball, or golf selection and select a weapon of your choice too. Hopefully you can find the key that unlocks the big trigger lock that they put on the guns. The medical is shit, there's probably only sports bandages. It's definitely livable! Blow up your air mattress and grab a tent, it could be a long while before you feel the comfort of your own home bed. Entertainment if you're athletic. Transportation trucks, again.

The point of the point system is to help map out true destinations. It can help you avoid shitty places that have no purpose in your survival. Also, if your town is safe enough to do some light traveling, it's never a bad idea to go from place to place gather items and bringing them back to your temporary safe home.

My Plan in a nutshell

Gather the ones I love most.

Get vehicles to transport to destination.

Find a few 18 wheeler trucks.

Split people up in those trucks.

Truck 1: Sports Authority: Guns, Ammunition, Weapons of sorts, air mattresses, and communication devices (walkie talkies)

Truck 2: Finding a safe spot

Rendevue (hoping cell phones are still working at this point)

Each state has enough Walmarts to accommodate everyone. Luckily for me there is a Costco and a Walmart right next to each other. My team will stop there and build a safe bridge that will connect to both places.

That was a shitty quick run through of the Edison Plan. One day I'll post it on here for people to read. I think I mentioned before in earlier posts that I actually wanted to present it to the mayor of my town but I was scared that they might throw me in the looney bin... Which I'd rather be in than a house... Zombies can't bite through bars.

Who are they really punishing then?


Keep surviving world.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Zombified Celebrities:::Shoot? or Push away?

So I was just currently brainstorming the zombie novel I will be writing this summer and I thought about some ideas from zombie movies that I'd like to incorporate in my book. In the remake of Dawn of the Dead, the group in the mall were were writing out celebrity zombie look a likes on the dry erase board and the dude across the way was looking for them and shooting them.

Watch what I'm talking about here.

I then thought...

What if I ever came across a currently deceased celebrity during a zombie outbreak??!?!?!?

There are a lot of cool dead celebrities out there... Ok first off. If I saw Michael Jackson I'd immediately shoot the fucker before he can get into his Thriller dance. Enough of that. I was a fan at one point but I don't trust him.

But yeah, there are a lot of dead celebrities that I'd have to think about before shooting in the brain. I know it's all about survival but come on, you really think you're going to instantly blow John Candy's fucking head off if you see him coming towards you? First off, no, you wouldn't. John Candy is fat and slow and he's probably the same cool guy dead as he was alive. I'm not shooting John Candy cause he'll probably ask me to go grab a 96 oz steak with him... IT'S JOHN FUCKING CANDY!!!

Hmm. who else?

Patrick Swayze... too early? Nah, him and Heath Ledger could be cool zombies. I wouldn't shoot either of those dudes. If Swayze starts busting out dance moves from that gay dancing movie he was in then I'd totally katana his limbs right off (anyone know where to find a good katana incase that happens?). Heath Ledger seemed like a cool dude. Way cooler than Swayze. Ledger would be a free zombie even though he did Brokeback Mountain. Gay.

Tupac's safe even though Tupac ain't dead. Or is he? I laugh because a lot of people think he's still alive and living in Cuba or something retarded like that. And every time a celebrity dies there's always an asshole who says, "They ain't dead, they're living it up in Cuba with Tupac". I'm like really? So you're telling me the dude who first played Dumbledore in Harry Potter is fucking smoking cigars and drinking Cristal in Cuba with Tupac? People are retarded. Tupac, I'm mad now and you're going down. Sorry bro. Well you're already down but if you ever turn into a fucking zombie I can't let you roam free and eat flesh.

Biggie, I didn't forget about you. You're East Coast. So we'll fly you over to California and eat those people. You're safe.

Quick List

Bernie Mac - No
George Carlin - No
Zelda Rubinstein (miniature lady from Poltergeist) - No
Corey Haim - No
Mr. Rogers - YES!!!!

Mr. Rogers and gorillas?

Just had a thought! What if Hitler starts a zombie reich? Should I head to Germany just in case? No no no no no no fuck. What about zombie dictators? or zombie murderers? Think about what Ed Gein would do if he came back from the dead. NOTHING, he was into flesh anyway.

I think when it comes down to the cool zombies, they all need their heads blown off. It's a real bitch to (re) kill someone cool but that is what survival is all about. Just think, one day (if humanity returns to its normal ways and the world isn't half destroyed and things like movies and music and Best Buy's and Wal Marts aren't completely destroyed off the face of this earth) I'll be able to tell my kids that I got to meet some of the most famous mortem.

For now. Keep surviving.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

zTunes:::Zombie Killing Playlist

There's nothing better than the thought of killing zombies. I always thought how useful iPods would be during the annihilation of a flesh eating zombie. Like anyone else on this earth, music gets my adrenaline going and there are certain songs out there that would definitely boost my stamina and aim by at least +2 points. If zombie games had an overall point system of zombie killing (kind of like how they rank sports players in video games) I'd totally be high ranked low. I think that would have to do with my size and speed. Regardless, music can change that whole picture.

I have come up with a top 10 list of songs I'd like to kill zombies to. These songs are in no particular order either. I'll also give the reasons why.


1. Unearth - Black Hearts Now Reign: There's something about this song that wants to make my big ass two step but I can't. It's definitely an upbeat, unload your clip into the brains of some fleash eating corpse kind of song. Especially at the breakdown. This song all around deserves to played when the massacre of zombies begins.

2. Metallica - Fight Fire With Fire: I know that ZOMBIELAND used "For Whom the Bell Tolls" in the beginning of the movie which was amazing. With all due respect, that beginning was in slow motion. FFWF is by far an ass kicking song. It's fast, brutal, has a great title, and most importantly it's definitely something I'd like to hear during a zombiepocalypse.

3. KillWhitneyDead - Stop Crying Just Start Dying: Loveeeeeeeeee this song, and this band. I love how they add movie scenes into their songs. This song is bad ass. Every time I hear this I want chocolate milk. Whenever I drink chocolate milk I get the urge to point and shoot. When I point and shoot, I only want to kill zombies. So this song automatically makes the list.

4. Iron Maiden - Be Quick Or Be Dead: For any Iron Maiden fans, you know what I'm thinking when I add this song. The title alone says it all...I know it doesn't help me cause I'm far from fast but I'm also smarter than the average zombie killer so fuck off. Great song.

5. DMX - What's My Name?: Rap song? Really? HELLS YEAH! This song is seriously a song to fuck zombies up to. It's some serious gangsta rap music that gets me pumped and ready to use weapons I've never used before. Okay that was the stupidest thing I've ever written. Good song to kill zombies. If you don't believe me, then try it yourself (on zombies).

6. Every Time I Die - After One Quarter Of A Revolution: "Hearts aren't beating, they're counting down", is one of my favorite quotes in any song. This is my favorite band and I totally think this song qualifies to be a zombie killing hit.

7. He Is Legend - I Am Hollywood: This song is for all of you (if there are any) egotistical zombie killers who refer to themselves as, "Hollywood". I'm sure if Hulk Hogan were a zombie killer, this song would fit him greatly. I love this song cause it's upbeat and kickass (like all of the songs I have mentioned).

8. Mutiny Within - Lethean: I don't know if the song has anything to do with Star Trek but I don't really give a shit. It's a great song to kill zombies too of course. That's my main focus. These dudes are from my town and they're a cool bunch. Why wouldn't I want to listen to them during a zombie slaughter?

9. Deftones - Rickets: For a very long time this has been one of my favorite Deftones songs. It's always playing on my iPod during a Left 4 Dead or Dead Rising gameplay.

10. Lamb Of God - Broken Hands: I love LOG. This song sounds like it could be the finalizing song to an epic zombie escapade.

I'm pretty sure I could have come up with more songs but I didn't therefor this is my zombie killing set list. I just made the playlist on my iPod. If anyone reads this, what songs would you like to kill zombies to?